Given that it is Valentine’s day tomorrow, love is certainly a topic this week.
Growing up you do not realize just how much your mother loves you. It is not clear to us as kids then teenagers and even young adults. I had realized it before I became a mom because my mother and I are so close but especially after becoming a mom it was even more clear to me just how much love your heart can hold for a child.
Those days of the stupid fights, when you are young, do not add up in your head how much she still loves you and wants to protect you from the world around you even if you are a little shit and she wants to smack you into next week. 😉 Right, mom?
This week I cried twice because of the tiny human I have in my life that is my sweet little son. He makes me feel some kind of love that no one prepared me for.
I am an emotional person and can tear up over a lot but I flat out cried over these two moments and it showed me that my heart does love him more than I ever thought it could. I knew this, obviously when he was born, but these really highlighted that feeling. It grows stronger every single day too as he grows bigger.
The first time I cried this week was the night we lowered his mattress. He can now pull himself up to stand and I instantly envisioned him taking a header when he flips himself over the rail. (I know many days of injuries may come since I have a little boy. Believe me, that is a reality to me)
I cried because I had to really lean in far to kiss his little head that night since he is much lower in the crib and it all hit me. He is not my tiny 8 pound 7 ounce baby any longer that we brought home from the hospital that would sleep quietly on my chest after eating.
He will never be that little again and I had a hard time accepting that, as I am sure most moms and dads do. I scrolled through pictures of his newborn days showing my husband every single one, as if he has not seem them before. 😊
The next time I cried was yesterday morning. I woke up almost an hour late and had rushed around the house like a maniac to get ready. What I did not get done was spending my short time with my son in the morning. I could only quietly walk in to his room to kiss him, hoping not to wake him, and run out to make sure I was not late for work.
I had not thought too much about our mornings together before this moment since it is routine for me to get ready, wake him up, feed him, change him and head off to work. But the morning I did not get to do that, I cried from the moment I was done getting ready until I got to the train station.
I cherish that short amount of time, as a working mom, that I get with my little guy while he wakes his sleepy eyes in the mornings. I felt I had robbed myself of the time with his little self and felt so guilty because I NEVER sleep through my alarm like that. My husband reassured me we both needed that extra sleep that morning since he slept over an hour past his normal wake up time.
Everyone has advice on how to breastfeed, sleep train, potty train, or when you should drop their mattress as they grow. What no one tells you is how much you are going to love this child and how it will destroy you at the same time. When I say destroy, I mean it in the best way possible.
You cannot hold them back from growing up. You are here to raise them the best way you know how and love them with all you have, but they will not stay little forever. You will work to raise a decent human being and cherish every single moment along the way all while loving them unconditionally no matter what.
My favorite moment of every single day when I come home from work is the excitement and smile on my son’s face when I come through the door. It may not last forever, but my love for him will only get stronger each day and I hope he knows that as he grows.