As a new parent, you’ve either read books suggested to you, googled anything you think of, found blogs on Pinterest, or been given all of the unsolicited advice you never asked for.
Shoot, I still google things related to what my son is going through. We all know Google is extremely reliable… I am joking, of course.
What most people don’t tell you is the real shit that happens when your kids are here and how they will be. I love sharing the stories with friends so we can laugh together about what has happened knowing they have their own to share with me too.
Kids are unpredictable. Whether they go through the same developmental milestones or not, they each have a personality someone cannot write about for you.
But I can share with you what my son has done that was not told to me but I can now save in my memory and write it out for you to see his antics and hopefully laugh along with us.
Things Not Told in Parenting Books: Early Toddler Edition
- Your kid will throw things in the trash thinking they’re helping. Really, he just tossed his baby monitor and you’ll only know if it’s on and the battery is dying. Then it’s a game of hide and seek toddler style. This is done while he is napping too so you can’t ask for his help, as if it would have been any assistance. It doesn’t end there. Other items that don’t make noise also find their way to the trash and it’s a game of luck if you find it. If you don’t find it, plan to blame your spouse for throwing it out because that’s the obvious logical thing to do!
- You will go to get something from your deep freeze and find all items are thawed. You quickly yell to your husband that something is wrong with the freezer panicking over what items you’re going to lose because it’s too warm to put it all in a cooler and store outside while you wait to buy a new one. Then he investigates and realizes a small human turned the knob controlling the temperature to 0 because it’s on his short leg level. Now we cross our fingers it freezes and everything was still cold enough and is not ruined. Update to that event: everything was a-okay! We also installed a toddler proof mechanism… duct tape.
- When you’re hungover from enjoying an adult night with friends trying to nap on the couch, the savage will find you. They are sweet and cute when you feel fine and dandy with no headache. The minute you fall asleep from the awful feeling over being over 30 and drinking too much he will throw a rubber bottom slipper at your face and get a direct hit on your nose then smile at you when you wake up. Along with this same time of attempting to become human again while still on the couch, they get as close to your face as possible and yell “MAMA!” just to be sure you’re alive and still there to pay attention to them. That same shitty smile will appear when your eyes pop open out of fear.
- They will have accidents in the tub and/or shower. It’s inevitable. Our son quickly stood from his bath a while back signing “all done” to my husband and he couldn’t figure out why until he looked over and saw a floating turd. Also, when they’re done in the shower and you place them on the rug while you turn for .2 seconds to grab a towel they will begin to pee on the rug. You’ll panic and say “whoa, whoa, whoa” scaring them to a stop and quickly hop them to the toilet to finish. Remind yourself, the rugs are washable or replaceable for cheap.
- You’ll plan for him to have dinner in front of the TV on his tray table of chicken nuggets, fries and ketchup, peacefully. He gets excited at the movie scene and flips the tray guaranteeing the ketchup lands straight down on your light colored rug. You stay calm, clean up what you can and continue to remind him, calmy, not to touch the spilled ketchup. Emphasizing calmly because every ounce of you did not want to clean up red ketchup. He claps once its clean and proceeds to finish his hopefully 5 second rule safe dinner. The next day you use your Oxiclean concoction to clean the stain.
But when you’re winding down for bedtime, he will sit in your lap all snuggled in. He will grab your hands and hold them, then put them against his face while you kiss his perfect head. The whole world stops and it’s perfect in the moment. Every moment he had to test your patience and handle the unknown moment will fade.
No book ever prepares you. No other parent’s advice will prepare you. Only you trusting your gut and instincts will allow you to be able to handle each and every situation.
You are their parents and their antics will make you laugh, smile, cry and be frustrated. They’re still perfect and so are you, as the beautiful mess each day brings. Trust the process.